Big News!!!

Hello there strangers :)

I haven't been around in awhile, but I promise I have a very good, exciting, wonderful reason!

My boyfriend & I are having a baby!!!!

We found out a couple of weeks ago... I had taken 3 at-home tests (lol), all positive, so we made an appointment and it was confirmed! It's really such a miracle because I had been told previously that my body wasn't ovulating, so we were under the impression that I couldn't get pregnant. I felt like we'd end up adopting for sure. But then, SURPRISE!! A little baby that we made all on our own :).

Today was our first actual doctor's appointment, and it went well! Estimated due date is January 4th, but we'll get a definite one at our first sonogram NEXT FRIDAY!! :) Our doctor told us that a big reason why we were able to conceive is because I'd lost so much weight. She said that estrogen is stored in fat cells, and when you have a lot of fat your body has too much estrogen, so everything was out of wack and my ovaries weren't doing their thing. After losing weight, everything started evening out & my ovaries started working! I did have 2 periods in a row, and then got pregnant, so it makes sense! It's just so crazy how much your weight can affect every part of your life, and how much losing weight can change everything.

So after 10 months and 74 lbs lost, my focus is shifting. Instead of working on my health to lose weight, I'm now working on staying healthy for our baby (that still feels so crazy to say!). I've been thinking about how much weight I should or shouldn't gain, how much I should eat, how much I should exercise, etc. The nurse gave us some info so I've been looking at that and reading a little online. I've been pretty sick lately so I haven't been able to eat much... I've been weighing randomly and last at-home weight was 170.4. Today at the doctor it was 174 even. So I haven't gained any weight so far. The doctor told me that a healthy amount of weight to gain over the entire pregnancy is 20 - 25 lbs, so that's my goal.

Sooo I don't know how often I'll be around. I think once I start feeling better on a daily basis I'll be up to computering more... and I'll def. keep you all updated! I know lots of you have kids... so I look forward to hearing any advice you have! I'm so excited (and nervous!) that we're going to be parents :)

with all my love,

Carissa

Slowly Getting There...

I'm feeling a little better today. I wrote some in my journal yesterday and had a date with my hunny tonight, and I think both really helped. My eating yesterday and today has been okay - not perfect, but definitely better than it has been.

I got my first paycheck today, which was awesome! Tomorrow after work I'm going to see about getting a gym membership set up. I called the gym I'm interested in earlier today for the pricing and all that. I'm soooo excited!!!!! I can't wait to start making progress again. Even though I'm probably gonna have to FORCE myself for awhile, I know being able to go workout is going to help my moods A LOT.

Sorry my posts are so bare!... I'm updating from my phone. I seem more inclined to post from my phone rather than at the computer, who knows why! Thank you ALL for your unending support and for all the comments on my last post. You have no idea how much each and every one of them helped. After posting it I kind of regretted it and almost just deleted it all together. But your comments made me realize that there is no shame in honesty and that there are people who are going through/have been through the same things.

Now I'm relaxing and watching some playoff basketball. I'm so disappointed that the Cavs lost to Boston! I don't even care who wins anymore.... as long as its not the Lakers ;P

xo

I Don't Know What to Do

I've barely been out of bed in 3 days, except to eat. And when I say eat, I mean binge. :( Everything is so overwhelming. Every second I have to fight back tears. I don't know what it is, but something in me snapped and its like I've lost all care and control over my body. Its really scary for me.

I've done okay so far today food-wise.... but I can feel it. That itch to eat until I don't feel sad anymore. which can take a lot. for example, let me tell you what I ate last night:

peanut butter cup ice cream
some of my boyfriends ice cream
a frozen pizza
sour cream & onion chips
2 dark chocolate reeses pb cups
cup of milk
grilled cheese

the night before was worse. more chips and sandwiches than a person should eat in an entire day. its really embarassing and sickening to me that I eat so much. But even after saying that, I know that if I had any $ I'd be out getting chinese food right freaking now. its an endless cycle.

I wish I could just tell myself no. Without it being followed by a panic attack.

Some Thoughts on Emotional Eating

A wonderful woman I know through blogging, Coley, posted a comment to my last post and it's something I'd really like to share with all of you - if I can sort my thoughts enough to get it all out. WARNING: I'll probably ramble, but it should be good to talk about nonetheless. Anyway, here's the comment:

"Hey girl, have you done a post recently about how you're "feeling" differently about food and overeating? I've been really intrigued and looking within myself and observing others in the hopes of better undersatnding myself - the emotional side of staying fat, the 'numbing out' habit/using food as a drug, tendency - and I'm wondering how you're feeling about that, have you replaced those emotional habits? Stuff like that - how are you feeling towards your body - or have you noticed this transformation mostly in your head?

I also, being a bigger girl for as long as I can remember, am a bit worried about what I'll think when I see a smaller person in the mirror...

thought?"

Ohhh gosh. Coley, I've been reading your posts on this topic and a lot of your thoughts are really eye opening for me. I am most definitely an emotional eater, as I've admitted before, though I didn't realize it until well into my weight loss journey. It's so obvious to me now - the sneaking food, eating to feel better, getting unreasonably upset when I can't eat, etc. It's been going on as long as I can remember. Initially I just considered myself someone who loved food (which I do) and just enjoyed eating unhealthy things. But recently I realized that it is seriously more than that. Yeah, I love food, but not just because it's delicious and part of tradition and a "feel good" thing for me. I love it because it's my crutch. It's my way to "cope" with things I don't really want to cope with. Honestly, I haven't made much progress besides just REALIZING that I have this problem, but to me that's a big step in itself. "Numbing" is the perfect way to describe what I use food for... anytime I feel stressed or sad or mad or angry or upset or depressed, I want to eat. I want to think about nothing but the food and how it tastes and the calm that I know will come when I'm eating it. I get overwhelming sad and angry when I can't or don't. Now that I've realized that I do this, I'm trying to consciously talk myself through it and make myself realize that eating wont make it better, and the freedom of mind that comes with high calorie binges wont last. The problems will still be there after the food has gone. It's scary to me, really. I feel like I'm out on this flimsy limb and it's a 10,000 foot drop to the ground. It's like, if I can't use food to make myself feel better, what do I use? How do I deal? So no - I haven't found something to replace these habits, but I'm working on it.

There are still plenty of times when I get so down that I just don't care and I make the conscious decision to let go & eat whatever I want & however much of it. It's so crazy to me that FOOD, something that our bodies NEED, can be abused in such a way. I hate that out of control feeling I get when the urges are really strong. I hate that it feels so good - at least in the moment - to give in. I hate that it feels so bad afterwords.

That's at least a summary or of the beginnings of my feelings and thoughts on emotional eating. I'm doing better, but I know I have a lengthy road ahead of me. I think it's something I may need to talk to someone professionally about. Just depression, overeating, and feelings in general. I dunno, I think it could help...

Moving on...

I've been overweight my entire life as well. While it would be a lie to say that I don't notice that I'm getting smaller, it's also a lie to say that I don't still feel HUGE. And I don't mean in the cliche "I'm sooo fat" way, I mean, I look at my body in the mirror and I still see the overweight, round, double chinned, big bellied person. Now that I've missed almost a week of working out, it's worse, and probably only because I FEEL worse from not having moved my body at all.

That being said - I have days and times when I look in the mirror and think, "Wow, I'm actually getting thin!" And it feels good :). I feel accomplished, and a little more confident. When I'm eating healthy foods and exercising consistently, these good days come more often. And it's only now, that I'm putting all of this into words, that I realize this. Hmmm, I need to remember that. I have more GOOD days when I'm being good to my body. To be happy and feel good about myself and about life in general, I need to take care of myself physically.

Sometimes looking at my reflection feels weird - like it's not really me.... I just don't recognize myself. But it's not necessarily a bad feeling. It's something that I definitely think is going to get better over time. The more comfortable I get, the more like "me" I'll start feeling.

Sorry if this all sounds jumbled and crazy. Hope some of you can relate!

Carissa

P.S. - Did I tell you all that I got a JOB?! YAYYYY!!! I started the Monday after finals (IT'S FINALLY SUMMER WOOOO!!!!) so today was my second day. I really like it! :) I'm so thankful and happy to have found it and to have been hired!

xo!

Weigh Day

F I N A L L Y busted through that plateau!! I guess this calorie cycling thing - even though this week wasn't exactly as planned - is really working! I know it will get easier and better as the weeks go on. I'm really, really excited to have gotten past 179... gotta keep this downward train movin' (cheesy?)! Only 2 lbs until hair rollers!

Keepin this one short and simple. Happy Losing!

Did you know?

Frozen fruits and vegetables are NOT necessarily bad for you. In fact, they can even have more of the food's natural nutrients than if the food was bought fresh. How? The foods are flash frozen quickly after being picked, which preserves all the good stuff! Fresh foods often have a lonnng way to travel before they reach our grocery stores, and they can lose a lot of nutrients over the trip.

A Great Find & Some Tips for the Weekend

 I recently bought some frozen fruits and vegetables (Great Value brand... only about $2 for a bag!!). The veggies were the ones I posted with the rice a couple of days ago... and I thawed some fruit to have with breakfast this morning.

DELICIOUS! I'm definitely going to keep buying these!

And yes, that's a Domino's pizza box under there in the 2nd pic LOL, and YES their new pizza is amazing!! 

I've really been worrying about this day "off" that I have planned for Saturdays. I know that I need it to keep me sane during the week, but I DO NOT want to ruin my entire week's work on one day. Someone on 3fc posted THIS article, which has tips for staying in control over the weekend. The tips I'm going to try this weekend:

• Track all my food METICULOUSLY
• Workout
• Eat breakfast & weigh in before and after (already do these)

Thoughts on the article? What helps YOU stay on track over the weekend?

Today I'm getting the 2nd bedroom all cleaned out. The BF's best friend is coming to stay with us over the summer. I think I'll go ahead and clean the whole house while I'm at it! Have a good weekend everyone! :)

as always,

Carissa