Slowly Getting There...

I'm feeling a little better today. I wrote some in my journal yesterday and had a date with my hunny tonight, and I think both really helped. My eating yesterday and today has been okay - not perfect, but definitely better than it has been.

I got my first paycheck today, which was awesome! Tomorrow after work I'm going to see about getting a gym membership set up. I called the gym I'm interested in earlier today for the pricing and all that. I'm soooo excited!!!!! I can't wait to start making progress again. Even though I'm probably gonna have to FORCE myself for awhile, I know being able to go workout is going to help my moods A LOT.

Sorry my posts are so bare!... I'm updating from my phone. I seem more inclined to post from my phone rather than at the computer, who knows why! Thank you ALL for your unending support and for all the comments on my last post. You have no idea how much each and every one of them helped. After posting it I kind of regretted it and almost just deleted it all together. But your comments made me realize that there is no shame in honesty and that there are people who are going through/have been through the same things.

Now I'm relaxing and watching some playoff basketball. I'm so disappointed that the Cavs lost to Boston! I don't even care who wins anymore.... as long as its not the Lakers ;P

xo

I Don't Know What to Do

I've barely been out of bed in 3 days, except to eat. And when I say eat, I mean binge. :( Everything is so overwhelming. Every second I have to fight back tears. I don't know what it is, but something in me snapped and its like I've lost all care and control over my body. Its really scary for me.

I've done okay so far today food-wise.... but I can feel it. That itch to eat until I don't feel sad anymore. which can take a lot. for example, let me tell you what I ate last night:

peanut butter cup ice cream
some of my boyfriends ice cream
a frozen pizza
sour cream & onion chips
2 dark chocolate reeses pb cups
cup of milk
grilled cheese

the night before was worse. more chips and sandwiches than a person should eat in an entire day. its really embarassing and sickening to me that I eat so much. But even after saying that, I know that if I had any $ I'd be out getting chinese food right freaking now. its an endless cycle.

I wish I could just tell myself no. Without it being followed by a panic attack.

Some Thoughts on Emotional Eating

A wonderful woman I know through blogging, Coley, posted a comment to my last post and it's something I'd really like to share with all of you - if I can sort my thoughts enough to get it all out. WARNING: I'll probably ramble, but it should be good to talk about nonetheless. Anyway, here's the comment:

"Hey girl, have you done a post recently about how you're "feeling" differently about food and overeating? I've been really intrigued and looking within myself and observing others in the hopes of better undersatnding myself - the emotional side of staying fat, the 'numbing out' habit/using food as a drug, tendency - and I'm wondering how you're feeling about that, have you replaced those emotional habits? Stuff like that - how are you feeling towards your body - or have you noticed this transformation mostly in your head?

I also, being a bigger girl for as long as I can remember, am a bit worried about what I'll think when I see a smaller person in the mirror...

thought?"

Ohhh gosh. Coley, I've been reading your posts on this topic and a lot of your thoughts are really eye opening for me. I am most definitely an emotional eater, as I've admitted before, though I didn't realize it until well into my weight loss journey. It's so obvious to me now - the sneaking food, eating to feel better, getting unreasonably upset when I can't eat, etc. It's been going on as long as I can remember. Initially I just considered myself someone who loved food (which I do) and just enjoyed eating unhealthy things. But recently I realized that it is seriously more than that. Yeah, I love food, but not just because it's delicious and part of tradition and a "feel good" thing for me. I love it because it's my crutch. It's my way to "cope" with things I don't really want to cope with. Honestly, I haven't made much progress besides just REALIZING that I have this problem, but to me that's a big step in itself. "Numbing" is the perfect way to describe what I use food for... anytime I feel stressed or sad or mad or angry or upset or depressed, I want to eat. I want to think about nothing but the food and how it tastes and the calm that I know will come when I'm eating it. I get overwhelming sad and angry when I can't or don't. Now that I've realized that I do this, I'm trying to consciously talk myself through it and make myself realize that eating wont make it better, and the freedom of mind that comes with high calorie binges wont last. The problems will still be there after the food has gone. It's scary to me, really. I feel like I'm out on this flimsy limb and it's a 10,000 foot drop to the ground. It's like, if I can't use food to make myself feel better, what do I use? How do I deal? So no - I haven't found something to replace these habits, but I'm working on it.

There are still plenty of times when I get so down that I just don't care and I make the conscious decision to let go & eat whatever I want & however much of it. It's so crazy to me that FOOD, something that our bodies NEED, can be abused in such a way. I hate that out of control feeling I get when the urges are really strong. I hate that it feels so good - at least in the moment - to give in. I hate that it feels so bad afterwords.

That's at least a summary or of the beginnings of my feelings and thoughts on emotional eating. I'm doing better, but I know I have a lengthy road ahead of me. I think it's something I may need to talk to someone professionally about. Just depression, overeating, and feelings in general. I dunno, I think it could help...

Moving on...

I've been overweight my entire life as well. While it would be a lie to say that I don't notice that I'm getting smaller, it's also a lie to say that I don't still feel HUGE. And I don't mean in the cliche "I'm sooo fat" way, I mean, I look at my body in the mirror and I still see the overweight, round, double chinned, big bellied person. Now that I've missed almost a week of working out, it's worse, and probably only because I FEEL worse from not having moved my body at all.

That being said - I have days and times when I look in the mirror and think, "Wow, I'm actually getting thin!" And it feels good :). I feel accomplished, and a little more confident. When I'm eating healthy foods and exercising consistently, these good days come more often. And it's only now, that I'm putting all of this into words, that I realize this. Hmmm, I need to remember that. I have more GOOD days when I'm being good to my body. To be happy and feel good about myself and about life in general, I need to take care of myself physically.

Sometimes looking at my reflection feels weird - like it's not really me.... I just don't recognize myself. But it's not necessarily a bad feeling. It's something that I definitely think is going to get better over time. The more comfortable I get, the more like "me" I'll start feeling.

Sorry if this all sounds jumbled and crazy. Hope some of you can relate!

Carissa

P.S. - Did I tell you all that I got a JOB?! YAYYYY!!! I started the Monday after finals (IT'S FINALLY SUMMER WOOOO!!!!) so today was my second day. I really like it! :) I'm so thankful and happy to have found it and to have been hired!

xo!

Weigh Day

F I N A L L Y busted through that plateau!! I guess this calorie cycling thing - even though this week wasn't exactly as planned - is really working! I know it will get easier and better as the weeks go on. I'm really, really excited to have gotten past 179... gotta keep this downward train movin' (cheesy?)! Only 2 lbs until hair rollers!

Keepin this one short and simple. Happy Losing!