Self truths

I feel better when I work out. Even though I dread it most days, afterwards I feel really great.

I have to eat enough calories to produce milk, but that's not an excuse to eat more than I should. It also means I can't over-resctrict. Throughout my journey I've realized that I am either very strict about what I eat and how much of it (I felt good if I didn't go over 1000 calories - that's not healthy for ANYONE) or I abandon my goals altogether and eat everything I can think of (also completely unhealthy). I have to find some kind of happy balance.

Chips, crackers, trail mix, and other things of the like that can be had in large quantities are dangerous around me. Even the healthy versions are bad in mass amounts. I'm just going to have to settle for substituting them with things like grapes, carrots (don't love em, but I can deal), etc.

I'm lazy. I planplanplan and never actactact. I need to make a conscious effort to change this part of my life.

Weight loss means being uncomfortable sometimes. Whether it's during a tough workout or resisting that new yogurt shop you pass on the way home, sometimes there will be things that you wont like doing and you just have to suck it up and do it anyway. I'm not a very happy camper when I don't get what I want - particularly with food. It's sad, but I get very jealous when I see other people eating things that I "can't" have because I know how unhealthy it is. Like I said, I'm gonna have to get rid of my pouty-pants and deal.




These are my self truths... what are yours?

If you're craving...

Something Italian, eat this:

Fazolis Kids Meal Meat Lasagna + 1 Breadstick

[410 calories, 20 g fat]

Something quick, eat this:

McDonald's Honey Mustard Grilled Chicken Snack Wrap
+ Snack size Fruit and Walnut Salad

[470 calories, 17 g fat]

Something hearty, eat this:

McAlister's bowl of Country Potato Soup, in a bread bowl

[313 calories, 9 g fat]

Something sweet, eat this:

Sonic Jr. Oreo Sundae

[180 calories, 9 g fat]

Something grilled, eat this:

Applebee's Grilled Shrimp & Spinach Salad

[250 calories, 14 g fat]

Sonic: http://fast-food-nutrition.findthebest.com/compare/98-1327/Vanilla-Reduced-Fat-Ice-Cream-Cone-vs-Jr-Oreo-Sundae

McDonalds: http://keepittightfitness.com/2010/12/dine-out-dish-mcdonalds-2/

Applebees: http://supernaturalbotanicals.com/blog/applebees

McAlister's: http://www.campusdish.com/en-US/CSSE/WesternCarolina/Locations/McAlistersDeli.htm

Fazoli's: http://mojosavings.com/2011/02/24/fazolis-free-spaghetti-entree-2/

Some Thoughts on Emotional Eating

A wonderful woman I know through blogging, Coley, posted a comment to my last post and it's something I'd really like to share with all of you - if I can sort my thoughts enough to get it all out. WARNING: I'll probably ramble, but it should be good to talk about nonetheless. Anyway, here's the comment:

"Hey girl, have you done a post recently about how you're "feeling" differently about food and overeating? I've been really intrigued and looking within myself and observing others in the hopes of better undersatnding myself - the emotional side of staying fat, the 'numbing out' habit/using food as a drug, tendency - and I'm wondering how you're feeling about that, have you replaced those emotional habits? Stuff like that - how are you feeling towards your body - or have you noticed this transformation mostly in your head?

I also, being a bigger girl for as long as I can remember, am a bit worried about what I'll think when I see a smaller person in the mirror...

thought?"

Ohhh gosh. Coley, I've been reading your posts on this topic and a lot of your thoughts are really eye opening for me. I am most definitely an emotional eater, as I've admitted before, though I didn't realize it until well into my weight loss journey. It's so obvious to me now - the sneaking food, eating to feel better, getting unreasonably upset when I can't eat, etc. It's been going on as long as I can remember. Initially I just considered myself someone who loved food (which I do) and just enjoyed eating unhealthy things. But recently I realized that it is seriously more than that. Yeah, I love food, but not just because it's delicious and part of tradition and a "feel good" thing for me. I love it because it's my crutch. It's my way to "cope" with things I don't really want to cope with. Honestly, I haven't made much progress besides just REALIZING that I have this problem, but to me that's a big step in itself. "Numbing" is the perfect way to describe what I use food for... anytime I feel stressed or sad or mad or angry or upset or depressed, I want to eat. I want to think about nothing but the food and how it tastes and the calm that I know will come when I'm eating it. I get overwhelming sad and angry when I can't or don't. Now that I've realized that I do this, I'm trying to consciously talk myself through it and make myself realize that eating wont make it better, and the freedom of mind that comes with high calorie binges wont last. The problems will still be there after the food has gone. It's scary to me, really. I feel like I'm out on this flimsy limb and it's a 10,000 foot drop to the ground. It's like, if I can't use food to make myself feel better, what do I use? How do I deal? So no - I haven't found something to replace these habits, but I'm working on it.

There are still plenty of times when I get so down that I just don't care and I make the conscious decision to let go & eat whatever I want & however much of it. It's so crazy to me that FOOD, something that our bodies NEED, can be abused in such a way. I hate that out of control feeling I get when the urges are really strong. I hate that it feels so good - at least in the moment - to give in. I hate that it feels so bad afterwords.

That's at least a summary or of the beginnings of my feelings and thoughts on emotional eating. I'm doing better, but I know I have a lengthy road ahead of me. I think it's something I may need to talk to someone professionally about. Just depression, overeating, and feelings in general. I dunno, I think it could help...

Moving on...

I've been overweight my entire life as well. While it would be a lie to say that I don't notice that I'm getting smaller, it's also a lie to say that I don't still feel HUGE. And I don't mean in the cliche "I'm sooo fat" way, I mean, I look at my body in the mirror and I still see the overweight, round, double chinned, big bellied person. Now that I've missed almost a week of working out, it's worse, and probably only because I FEEL worse from not having moved my body at all.

That being said - I have days and times when I look in the mirror and think, "Wow, I'm actually getting thin!" And it feels good :). I feel accomplished, and a little more confident. When I'm eating healthy foods and exercising consistently, these good days come more often. And it's only now, that I'm putting all of this into words, that I realize this. Hmmm, I need to remember that. I have more GOOD days when I'm being good to my body. To be happy and feel good about myself and about life in general, I need to take care of myself physically.

Sometimes looking at my reflection feels weird - like it's not really me.... I just don't recognize myself. But it's not necessarily a bad feeling. It's something that I definitely think is going to get better over time. The more comfortable I get, the more like "me" I'll start feeling.

Sorry if this all sounds jumbled and crazy. Hope some of you can relate!

Carissa

P.S. - Did I tell you all that I got a JOB?! YAYYYY!!! I started the Monday after finals (IT'S FINALLY SUMMER WOOOO!!!!) so today was my second day. I really like it! :) I'm so thankful and happy to have found it and to have been hired!

xo!

A Possible Plateau and Other Ramblings

Today is the seventh day in a row that I've weighed 179 lbs. Buuut, I'm not too worried about it, seeing as how I didn't work out much over those past 7 days. I did get a good workout in today, though, so I guess tomorrow morning we'll see what Mr. Scale has to say about that! ;)

Yesterday for dinner I tried the Smart Ones Ham and Cheese Scramble. It's made with egg whites, ham, potatoes and reduced fat cheese - which totals 220 calories & 9 g of fat.

I put salsa and salt/pepper to taste on mine, but it didn't help a whole lot. It got cold really fast and a lot of the chunks of ham were rough and not edible (for me anyway)... the potatoes were the best part. The meal overall just wasn't very good. I didn't even end up eating the whole thing... so, I probably wouldn't recommend it.

I also wanted to give props to all you real-life runners out there... on Sunday, I went to the park to walk around with my hand weights. Now - at the gym I've worked my way up to being able to run anywhere from 5-10 minutes @ 5.5 pace. But when I ran at the park, I could hardly go for a minute or two (granted I wasn't timing myself, but yeah)!! I was really surprised! I thought at the time that maybe since I hadn't run in a few days my stamina had gone down (ha), but today at the gym I ran for 7 mins! The treadmill moving does a lot more work than I initially thought, lol! And different muscles in my legs were sore than usual - it's so crazy. Sooo yeah, all you athletic people who walk/run outside, I admire you!!

Today for breakfast I had cereal + cinnamon sugar toast (yum!), and for lunch I had the Smart Ones 3 cheese ziti marinara + corn. For supper I was planning on having a Velveeta Shells & Cheese bowl (another yum) + beans, but I actually FEEL LIKE EATING SALAD AND VEGGIES. UH, WHO IS THIS CRAZY PERSON AND WHAT HAS SHE DONE WITH MY CRAVINGS??!! HAHA! Seems like while I was trying to go gluten free my body got used to eating more whole foods and less frozen meals, which I'm totally okay with :). I will say, though, that there's nothing better than a Smart Ones lasagna/pizza/dessert when I get a hankering for one! What changes have you noticed in your appetite/cravings since you started your WL journey??



Hmmm... guess that's it for this update :). Love you all!

-Carissa

Cravings pt. 2

My last post was about emotional eating. And while there are times when my "cravings" are a symptom of something more, I also simply have straight-up CRAVINGS! I've been trying to pay attention to those cravings and the different stages that I go through. Here's what I came up with:

THE CRAVING CYCLE

[1] Thought enters mind
    An example I'm going to use is chili dogs. The other night my boyfriend had made some for himself and I was having one of my usual meals. As soon as I smelled the chili and saw the melty cheese, I knew I wanted one. And BAD.

[2] Try to rationalize eating it
     I tried to tell myself that I'd have just ONE and THAT'S IT. And that will fit into my calories. Plus, I should give into my cravings every once in awhile so that I don't over-do it later. So it's okay, right?

[3] "Screw it" mentality
    Well, if I'm being honest, I know that just one chili dog wont fill me up. And I'll probably crave another anyways... and they'll be SOOO good. I mine as well just eat however much I want and enjoy it.
 

(and if I get this far...)


[4] Desperate need to give in
    At this point I feel like I absolutely, without a doubt NEED TO EAT A CHILI DOG. I can't think of what will happen if I don't... and I honestly feel like I can't stop myself from giving in.

[5] Resist. Resist. Resist.
    I think that says it all. It's literally a mental war... I have to use every trick I have up my sleeve to convince my head not to have any chili dogs. I literally sit, doing nothing but going back & forth in my head - okay I'll eat it; WAIT. NO. YOU DON'T NEED IT; and so on.

[6] Finally, either proud that I didn't eat it or guilty for giving in
    This is the end of the craving cycle for me and it's either 100% good or 100% bad. I've either given in or I haven't. I'm proud to say that I DID NOT eat a single chili cheese dog that day :). 







This is just an example of what I personally go through when I'm having one of those flat out cravings. Does this sound like what you guys have experienced, or is it completely different for you?

Cravings pt. 1

There are plenty of reasons that I'm overweight. My absolute love of food is one. My habit of eating when I'm bored, to celebrate, while I watch TV, etc is another. I've always assumed emotional eating was part of it as well.. but this past week I realized that it's a much bigger part of my weight problem than I ever realized.

Some really crappy news surfaced on Thursday in regards to my family. It's really way too complicated and lonnnnnng to get into, but it was shocking and hurtful and it made me mad and sad and confused and more. Thursday I did ok - I talk to the boo about it and had a good cry and stayed within calories. Friday morning I woke up feeling miserable. I didn't have anything necessarily healthy to eat for breakfast, but I was able to keep it within my calorie limit. I ran a couple of errands after that and picked up some Long John Silvers for my honey. That's when I wrote the previous post... I was feeling overwhelmingly PISSED because I wanted to eat. Or at least that's what I thought it was.

I used all the willpower I had and decided to take a nap rather than eat. When I woke up I still felt as sad and mad as I had been. I was hungry (it WAS lunchtime). At that point I decided I was going to have chicken strips from Braums.. and it was like I instantly felt better. I hadn't even eaten it yet and I already felt the calm of the calories coming over me.

Eating makes me forget about all the things that are wrong; it makes me feel content, happy, calm... at least until the food is gone. Then comes that horrifying guilt that so many of us are all too familiar with. I knew it was coming, but it didn't matter. Those chicken strips and fries and chocolate chip shake were my way to get rid of the emotions that are inside me - even if it was just temporary.

It seems like everyday I keep hearing more hurtful things. Earlier today I had almost convinced myself to have pizza tonight... just so I could stop feeling sad for a little bit. But I know food isn't going to fix anything. I need to face it and DEAL with the emotions instead of shoving them into my mouth. It's just hard.













 Hi, my name is Carissa and I am an emotional eater.