Self truths

I feel better when I work out. Even though I dread it most days, afterwards I feel really great.

I have to eat enough calories to produce milk, but that's not an excuse to eat more than I should. It also means I can't over-resctrict. Throughout my journey I've realized that I am either very strict about what I eat and how much of it (I felt good if I didn't go over 1000 calories - that's not healthy for ANYONE) or I abandon my goals altogether and eat everything I can think of (also completely unhealthy). I have to find some kind of happy balance.

Chips, crackers, trail mix, and other things of the like that can be had in large quantities are dangerous around me. Even the healthy versions are bad in mass amounts. I'm just going to have to settle for substituting them with things like grapes, carrots (don't love em, but I can deal), etc.

I'm lazy. I planplanplan and never actactact. I need to make a conscious effort to change this part of my life.

Weight loss means being uncomfortable sometimes. Whether it's during a tough workout or resisting that new yogurt shop you pass on the way home, sometimes there will be things that you wont like doing and you just have to suck it up and do it anyway. I'm not a very happy camper when I don't get what I want - particularly with food. It's sad, but I get very jealous when I see other people eating things that I "can't" have because I know how unhealthy it is. Like I said, I'm gonna have to get rid of my pouty-pants and deal.




These are my self truths... what are yours?

Goals of the aggressive variety

Again, posting from my phone in the middle of the night. You'll prob get lots of these, ha ha!

Ive got some goals that require announcing for accountability's sake. I'm cleared to exercise starting Monday, and im ready to get after it! Hopefully this enthusiasm lasts. I remember when i first started this journey, i wanted to lose 100 lbs in one year. Pregnancy put a (very worthwhile) hold on that, and now my 2 yr anniversary is approaching in July. Id like to make my dream a reality and finally reach that 100 lbs lost mark this July. That's 30 lbs in 4 months. A hair over 7 lbs a month, which makes just about 2 lbs a week. I realize that those last pounds are often thrmost difficult to drop, but im gonna keep at it until i get there. Who's with me? What are your goals for summer?

I also need to say this: another goal is to complete ALL my assignments for ALL of my classes. Im so close to finishing, and i've gotta finish strong. Stay on my case about this!!

Here's to a busy, positive, goal gettin future!
xo,
-Carissa

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Some Thoughts on Emotional Eating

A wonderful woman I know through blogging, Coley, posted a comment to my last post and it's something I'd really like to share with all of you - if I can sort my thoughts enough to get it all out. WARNING: I'll probably ramble, but it should be good to talk about nonetheless. Anyway, here's the comment:

"Hey girl, have you done a post recently about how you're "feeling" differently about food and overeating? I've been really intrigued and looking within myself and observing others in the hopes of better undersatnding myself - the emotional side of staying fat, the 'numbing out' habit/using food as a drug, tendency - and I'm wondering how you're feeling about that, have you replaced those emotional habits? Stuff like that - how are you feeling towards your body - or have you noticed this transformation mostly in your head?

I also, being a bigger girl for as long as I can remember, am a bit worried about what I'll think when I see a smaller person in the mirror...

thought?"

Ohhh gosh. Coley, I've been reading your posts on this topic and a lot of your thoughts are really eye opening for me. I am most definitely an emotional eater, as I've admitted before, though I didn't realize it until well into my weight loss journey. It's so obvious to me now - the sneaking food, eating to feel better, getting unreasonably upset when I can't eat, etc. It's been going on as long as I can remember. Initially I just considered myself someone who loved food (which I do) and just enjoyed eating unhealthy things. But recently I realized that it is seriously more than that. Yeah, I love food, but not just because it's delicious and part of tradition and a "feel good" thing for me. I love it because it's my crutch. It's my way to "cope" with things I don't really want to cope with. Honestly, I haven't made much progress besides just REALIZING that I have this problem, but to me that's a big step in itself. "Numbing" is the perfect way to describe what I use food for... anytime I feel stressed or sad or mad or angry or upset or depressed, I want to eat. I want to think about nothing but the food and how it tastes and the calm that I know will come when I'm eating it. I get overwhelming sad and angry when I can't or don't. Now that I've realized that I do this, I'm trying to consciously talk myself through it and make myself realize that eating wont make it better, and the freedom of mind that comes with high calorie binges wont last. The problems will still be there after the food has gone. It's scary to me, really. I feel like I'm out on this flimsy limb and it's a 10,000 foot drop to the ground. It's like, if I can't use food to make myself feel better, what do I use? How do I deal? So no - I haven't found something to replace these habits, but I'm working on it.

There are still plenty of times when I get so down that I just don't care and I make the conscious decision to let go & eat whatever I want & however much of it. It's so crazy to me that FOOD, something that our bodies NEED, can be abused in such a way. I hate that out of control feeling I get when the urges are really strong. I hate that it feels so good - at least in the moment - to give in. I hate that it feels so bad afterwords.

That's at least a summary or of the beginnings of my feelings and thoughts on emotional eating. I'm doing better, but I know I have a lengthy road ahead of me. I think it's something I may need to talk to someone professionally about. Just depression, overeating, and feelings in general. I dunno, I think it could help...

Moving on...

I've been overweight my entire life as well. While it would be a lie to say that I don't notice that I'm getting smaller, it's also a lie to say that I don't still feel HUGE. And I don't mean in the cliche "I'm sooo fat" way, I mean, I look at my body in the mirror and I still see the overweight, round, double chinned, big bellied person. Now that I've missed almost a week of working out, it's worse, and probably only because I FEEL worse from not having moved my body at all.

That being said - I have days and times when I look in the mirror and think, "Wow, I'm actually getting thin!" And it feels good :). I feel accomplished, and a little more confident. When I'm eating healthy foods and exercising consistently, these good days come more often. And it's only now, that I'm putting all of this into words, that I realize this. Hmmm, I need to remember that. I have more GOOD days when I'm being good to my body. To be happy and feel good about myself and about life in general, I need to take care of myself physically.

Sometimes looking at my reflection feels weird - like it's not really me.... I just don't recognize myself. But it's not necessarily a bad feeling. It's something that I definitely think is going to get better over time. The more comfortable I get, the more like "me" I'll start feeling.

Sorry if this all sounds jumbled and crazy. Hope some of you can relate!

Carissa

P.S. - Did I tell you all that I got a JOB?! YAYYYY!!! I started the Monday after finals (IT'S FINALLY SUMMER WOOOO!!!!) so today was my second day. I really like it! :) I'm so thankful and happy to have found it and to have been hired!

xo!

My New Plan

After losing nothing for an entire month, and after taking a short break and stepping back to look at everything again, I've decided that I need a new plan. One that's different from what helped me lose the first 70 lbs, and one that's aggressive enough to help me lose the last 30.

I did a little research, and I came up with a new strategy to try: calorie cycling. I used this calculator to get a general idea of the zig-zagging, but I ended up coming up with a completely different cycle. Basically, I'll eat anywhere from 1200-1800 calories on a rotating basis. The days that I do cardio and lift weights will be the days that I eat more; the days where I'm only doing cardio will be lower calorie days. The theory behind this cycling idea is that it keeps your body and your metabolism guessing, so as to never let your body become accustomed to any one calorie level and start storing fat/eating muscle.

Something else that is different about this strategy is that I've given myself one day to be "off" from calorie counting (if I feel like using it - if not, I'll eat 1200 cals). My hope is that having that one day each week will help me resist urges to overeat throughout the rest of the week. It will most likely lower my calorie deficit for the week, but it's what I think I need to be able to stick with this cycling thing and stay sane, lol.

Here's the game plan!:

(open in a new window to see the whole thing :])

I think I'll actually change Sundays to 1200 calories. And the L1, L2, L3's all stand for what level of the 30DS I had planned on doing, but I think I'm going to wait to start that until this summer, since I wont be able to use the gym during that time. I know that calorie cycling is going to take a lot of effort and persistence on my part, but that's what it takes to reach goals of any kind. Continuous commitment and a strong will to succeed. My goal is to be 169 lbs by the end of may, which is VERY bold, but seeing as how I haven't lost anything in quite awhile, I feel like it's possible.

Have any of you ever tried calorie cycling? What did you like or dislike about it? Any tips?

Love you all!

Caaaaaarissa

They're here! They're here!!!!

My TOMS came today!!! :]!!!! They're "ash gray" and perfect!

Look at those cute animals on the inside!! And OMG, the soles. I ' M T A L K I N C O M F Y.

& here they are on ..

They also came with a TOMS flag that I can take a picture with & send to them, a sticker for the back of my car, AND one child in need got a pair of shoes from me :].

I'm gonna have to get more!!!!

Whaddya think?

Guess what I ordered yesterday!!

MY TOMS!

I can't wait until they're here! I'll make sure to take pictures when they arrive! :]

Yesterday I went swimming for my workout.. 1 hr.. it didn't really feel like a workout at all. DEFINITELY what my legs needed though - a break from that elliptical! My legs feel SO much better than they usually do today.. so I think I might start swimming on Wednesdays.

EXCEPT I found out today that I wont have access to the gym or pool during winter intersession or during the summer unless I take classes during those time periods. I don't have a way to pay for classes during intersessions, so I guess I'm gonna have to figure out a way to make exercise work at home. :[

I've been feeling bloated so much lately. I think it's been my whole life actually. But I wonder why? Do any of you experience it/what do you do to help it?

If you haven't tried Smart Ones frozen dinners, I suggest you do so :]. They're perfectly portioned, and perfectly delicious. One of my faves is the mini veggie pizzas.
They taste even better than they look. Only 270 cals for all 4, and each box comes with 8.


I think that's about it for now.. if I think of more later I'll edit ;].

-Carissa ♥




*EDIT*
oh yeah - the crunch (not the candy bar) challenge is over I think.. I keep forgetting to change the countdown, so I never know! I don't think I hit quite 1500, and my stomach looks exactly the same. Oh well!

Thank God the Weekend is Finally Over.

Not that I like weekdays.. but it's much easier to stay OP during the week! ANOTHER 4 lb gain from this weekend. I know most of it's water weight.. but still. Some is eatingfoodthatisn'tgoodforme weight. I don't know why I can't get a grip on this! I guess it's just hard when the boyfriend is home all day and is ready to relax and cuddle, which I can't resist :).

I had a good 80 minute workout earlier.. wowwwww, I actually didn't mean to workout that long but I was reading while on the elliptical and before I knew it I'd already been on it almost an hour.. haha! This week is gonna be kind of rough on food; I swear eating healthy is a struggle on a college student's salary sometimes!!

Halloween was another ordinary day. We were supposed to go over to a friends party, but at the last minute decided against it. We didn't even have any trick or treaters! Next Halloween I really want to dress up - I think my body might be bangin' by then, haa!! I miss being a kid.. I was thinking back to what I've dressed up as over the years, and I was kinda weird! I was of course the typical witch, bumble bee, Pocahontas, etc. Then I was a ham & cheese sandwich (which was terrible to sit in!) and another year I was Santa Claus. Yeah, I don't know... haha.

Hope you all had a fun Halloween! Get ready, cuz here comes Thanksgiving! I'll try and post as many healthy recipes as I can this month :).

xo, Carissa

PS. I almost forgot! Do you all remember the goal I set for myself for Halloween? It was 15 lbs by then - I reached it! Woohooo!!! :D

Friday was Weigh Day

223! Though I didn't post on Friday (pictures next week...), I did update everything. I'm so excited! 26 lbs lost so far!! NEVER TO BE FOUND AGAIN! :P Of course, over the weekend I didn't do so hot and have gained some of it back.. lots and lots of salty foods, so I'm just ready to push hard this week and get back to my routine. Weekends seem to be the hardest for me, so I'm going to try and focus on stay OP and not binging in the upcoming ones.

When I was starting, I never really pictured myself making it to each of my goals. It was really, REALLY motivating to reach that first one! I actually tried, and my work paid off. Though I don't feel like I look any different, I'm positive that it's coming. I can actually see myself reaching 50 lbs lost.. and it's a wonderful feeling.

Now, on to the good stuff... my first REWARD! TOMS! I'm not sure when I'll get them, as I'll have to wait until it fits into our budget.. but I do have them picked out!


At least I'm pretty sure those are the ones I want :). I love the glitter! I'm kind of thinking about changing my 2nd 25 lb lost mini goal reward.. but I haven't decided yet. Anyway, WHOOOPEEEE!!!!!!


-Carissa

There are 10 weeks until Halloween...

I feel like I need to set a new goal (apart from the reward ones) that is time limited. Just so I will have something to work for - like a deadline :).

So, by Halloween I'd like to have lost 15 more pounds. That's less than 2 pounds a week, which is definitely something I'll have to work for; losing 0.5-2 lbs/wk is, from what I've read, a healthy pace.

That will be a total of 30 pounds lost, so hopefully by then I'll start looking like I'm losing! Thanks for all the congrats on Photo Friday.. it really helps to keep my motivated!

Had a crappy food weekend.. Since school is starting on Monday I'm thinking that will mean less parties, meaning less bad food choices. Tomorrow is my little sister's birthday (she's turning 13! :O) and we're having a bar-b-q. All things in moderation, moderation, moderation.


Always,
Carissa ☮

The Workout Blues

So I've been working out everyday in August. (Well except for the 1st. But anyway.) I've only been working out for 30 minutes a day. I feel good to have at least worked out, but I'm worried doing only 30 minutes will prevent me from losing weight. :/ And I've been stressing alot more about what I'm eating, which could be both good and bad. Idk. Trying to stay positive..

The boyfriend and I are going grocery shopping tonight :). I'm excited to get some healthier stuff! Also, school starts on the 24th. My financial aid still hasn't gone through, so I don't have my books or tuition completely paid for. Hopefully they HURRY UP!. I'm excited about starting though! :)

I put a new ticker up at the top of my blog.. 8 more lbs to go until I reach my goal of 15 by the end of Aug.! I know the first 10 lbs will probably be water weight and come off rather quickly, but it still feels goooood. I can't wait until I pass the 20 and 30 pound marks.. so I can hopefully start seeing a difference.

I notice I have some new followers.. THANK YOU! Hopefully we can help each other and just have a good time :)!

Always,
BB ♥


*UPDATE*

Despite of my Negative Nancy mood, today has turned out to be a wonderful day! I got one of my scholarship checks in the mail and ended up finding all but one of my workbooks for school on Amazon.com & ended up saving $300!! So now we'll REALLY get to go grocery shopping AND I'll be able to get my parking permit tomorrow AND I will finally have all my books (from one source or another)! AND I picked up a sandwich from Subway & it tastes delicious! God is good!

My Goals

I just finished a short at-home work out and it feels pretty good! When I work out earlier in the day I feel like it makes me more inclined to make smarter choices throughout the day, whether it be with meals or activity. One thing that's new for me is the problem I had with my knees during squats.. & they still feel weird! Idk. Hopefully they'll get better as I lose those extra pounds!

Setting goals can be a crucial part to losing weight. I mean, I know most of us are headed for Skinny, but setting specific goals will help keep us motivated! I wanted to let you guys in on what goals I've set for myself. As you can see in my before pictures (you can look at them here), my problem areas are, well everywhere. But my focus areas are my stomach, sides, arms, and face. I'm most uncomfortable with those parts of my body, and I figure everything else will come along with it. Over the next year I'd like to lose 100 pounds, which will put me at about 150 lbs & a BMI (Body Mass Index - you can calculate yours here) of 22.8, which is calculates a healthy weight for my height (5'8"). Right now my BMI is a 37.9 - scary! :/

Setting short term goals is a little more nerve racking for me. I'm scared that I wont reach them and it will cause me to give up or lose hope. But I really want to put my all into losing all this baggage and I'm trying my best to keep my head up! So, by the end of August, I'd like to have lost 15 pounds. You guys & girls gotta keep on me about it!

Well, I guess thats all for today. What are your short & long-term goals?


Keep losing!,
BB<3