Today's an "Off" Day I Guess (WARNING: CRYBABY RANT)

Friday, April 16, 2010

Time to start being upfront and 100% honest. One day I can feel really positive and motivated, and the next I feel completely hopeless and depressed. I'm already over my calories for today, and it's only 7pm. I guess now I'm off to the gym for a long workout... which my mind says will make up for the garbage (Sonic, to be exact) I ate, but in reality, I know the damage has already been done. It's been such a frustrating week and a half... working so hard and losing NOTHING. It makes me not even want to TRY anymore, because I feel like no matter what I do, I won't lose any more. I wish I was already done with this whole stupid weight loss thing and was onto maintaining and just living a happy, fun life. Somedays, it seems like I still have so far to go... I know that patience is the key, but what if I just. don't. want. to. do. it. anymore??? I'm sorta feeling that way about school too. I need to learn that when things are hard, that's when I have to push harder. I hope I have it in me.

UGH, everything is just so FRUSTRATING.  I can't lose weight, I can't figure out my classes for next year, I can't file for my financial aid, I can't afford enough healthy groceries, I can't afford clothes that fit me, I can't make any friends, .....

I should be focusing on what I CAN do, but as of now, Pessimistic Me is throwing a temper tantrum. I've been trying to make myself go workout for a minute now, and I just don't feel like it. I will though. I guess I can't afford not to.


Hopefully I didn't ruin Sunday's weigh in.



okay... I'm back from the gym and I'm feeling a little better. It's crazy how exercise really is a mood lifter. I realize that I was a bit melodramatic in this post, but these are literally the thoughts that swarm through my head most days. I struggle with making decisions.. I'll agonize over it for quite awhile and then either end up giving in or not. Today, I gave in. Next time, I will do my best not to.
Now I'm going to re-look at the "I can't"s that I listed earlier and turn them into "I can"s, just to make myself look at things with a more positive mindset. Some of it might be forced... but ahh well. 

"I can't lose weight" ... The only way that I can't lose weight is if I quit completely and go back to my old lifestyle, which I will not do. So as long as I keep trying my best and taking it one choice at a time, I can lose weight.

"I can't figure out my classes for next year" ... Hmmm. Still not sure what to do about this... but I'll figure it out. I just need to do more looking, I guess.

"I can't file for my financial aid" ... I will call my dad on Sunday (when I know he's off) and ask him to help me, since I have to have all his info off of his w2, because I'm still considered a "dependent" (which is annoying in itself, but nothing I can do about it).

"I can't afford enough healthy groceries" ... I will work with the boo to try to make sure that buying groceries is closer to the top of our "to-do" list when he gets paid. He's such a sweetheart for taking care of me! :)

"I can't afford clothes that fit me" ... I will start applying for jobs. I DID end up selling some of my old jeans, and with that money I bought a pair of dress pants (all my old ones are too big) that I will be able to wear to an interview. Then, I'll be able to help with the bills, the groceries, and be able to save for new, fitting clothes.

"I can't make any friends" ... This I have no solution for. I'm kind of a hermit.. for a variety of reasons. One of my hopes throughout this process is that I can gain confidence and will be able to be more social and enjoy my life more. Sometimes I feel so lonely... but I'm very lucky to have the people in my life that I DO have, and I wouldn't trade them for the world!

Whew. I believe I just put Pessimistic Me in her place. Thanks for letting me say anything & everything I need to say. It feels a lot better just being able to get it OUT of my head and into words.

Have a good rest of the night :)


Kyle Gershman said...

Ok...totally know where you are coming from, but here is the kicker...Maintenance is actually harder than losing weight. I know that it sounds totally like the promised land, but it takes as much if not greater mental will to preserve a healthy lifestyle as it does to get there.

I don't want that to be the downer on your down day, though. There is simply something that will click for you and get your mind in the right place to be successful as losing weight. It is much more simple to lose weight while not easy.

You just need to look at each choice individually and give yourself time to evaluate it. You'd likely not have made it to a Sonic if it weren't for being a bit quick on the decision to allow yourself there.

I'm probably not helping you much since you are really looking forward to having the weight simply gone and hoping for something that feels easier...just know that it is hard work and will get harder...just know that you ARE up to the challenge...and you ARE WORTH all the hard work that it takes.


Anonymous said...

Just thought i'd share my 2 cent's first of all (hugs) :) I have had these days in fact it's almost a daily struggle for me!! but realizing your having a bad "moment" and getting through it is what's making you lose weight and keep this journey going!! your very inspring just want you to know your SO not alone I go through these feelings on a regular basis and i haven't even began to lose my weight! you have come SO far!! ~ Kim

Abundantly Me said...

First loads of ((( hugs ))), because we all need those at times, You have done a remarkable job so far, and when it doubt just look back at the pictures you have posted here, you can see how you have changed.

I wanted to mention that since you brought up buying new clothes, and can't afford to, check out resale stores and thrift stores, they are truly amazing what great finds you can fine. I don't know where you live, here in my city we have Value Village, thrift store, I don't know whom donates their clothes to them,
but all I can say is wow, it is a lot about luck, because some days it's nothing exciting then the next time it's like Christmas with some great stuff there, and all at bargain prices. I would think you would have some thrift or resale stores in your area, give them a try.

Also I wanted to add, in my weight loss journey, I too had was a tough week, I thought I was doing really good, but the scale didn't show it, and that is such a bummer. The day I weighed myself I sort of let it get to me, and ate more, not anything bad, just more. Now I feel foolish for letting it get to me, because if we keep trying we will get to our goal, if we give up we never will, so stay strong! You can do it.

Kiaana08 said...

Well, I'm happy you edited this post with a more optimistic post. You have really progressed since the last time I visited your page. Keep at it, you will do fine. The key is persistence. It's kinda funny that your on a path to loosing weight and I'm on a path to gaining weight. Lol. Good luck.

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