I'm sorry, to you and to myself.

Monday, January 4, 2010

The last 3 days have been.. mixed. My boyfriend and I just hung out and played cards and board games and he spoiled me with time together. It really was fun! But my eating was SO OFF. Seriously, it was like a 72 hour binge. I'm mad at myself because school starts next week; I'm mad at myself because I was so close to 199; I'm mad at myself because I wasted three entire days that could have been put to good, healthy use.

I obviously didn't post a weigh in on Sunday and I probably wont until next Sunday. I know it's important to face it, and I did weigh, but I don't want to record it because it's ridiculously high and I feel it's a direct result from all the food I've shoved in my mouth since Friday. But I will be honest with you and say that this morning I was 210 lbs (ugh). The terrible truth is that I know my body so well from past binges (like, every night this weekend I predicted exactly what my weight would be the next morning and I was always right - pathetic) and so hopefully I will drop this gained weight fairly quickly. I'll record it next Sunday and if it's still up, well then I guess it's still up.


I'm so reluctant to write this because I don't want to disappoint anybody. I'm embarrassed that despite my positive attitude, I still did exactly what got me to this overweight state. Honestly, this is so genuinely hard for me. I don't always eat perfectly. I have before, did this weekend, and could again lose my way. I still feel lost. I should be able to go grocery shopping sometime this week and get stocked up on all my regular foods.. until then I'll be going with what I've got and trying my best to move out of this slump and get back to where I was.

It's a lot easier for me to act positively on my blog than it is in real life. That's what's gotten me this far - trying so hard to be positive and doing my best to listen to myself. So, I guess that's what I should do? I know I will come out of this, and it might be hard right now, but hopefully this time I'll have learned a lesson and I wont have set myself back too far.






Thank you for always listening and being so understanding,
Carissa

11 HUGS:

Kyle Gershman said...

My dear...the only one you need to impress or disappoint is you.

I'm here and follow, because I care and therefore will provide unending support, but I'm not the one to be disappointed...I'll be happy for your successes and sympathetic to your challenges.

Cheer up and battle on!

adorkable said...

carissa, everyone makes mistakes.

you can't do everything perfectly 100% of the time. what is important is how you handle it!
i'm so happy that you recognize that you have the power to turn things around at any time!

and i am so happy you are authentic and honest about your struggles. it's real and that is what this is all about. readers will be encouraged by seeing you overcome the snags in your journey. i'm not disappointed in you. keep your chin up!

can't wait to see you reach 199... i know you can do it!

Carissa said...

Thank you so much - both of you. It's really nice to express true feelings and have support from wonderful people like yall. THANK YOU for making me smile!!

BEE said...

its ok i didnt the same thing
i think alot of people have this holiday season
the food is what is making your brain feel yucky
trust me i feel exactly the same
so tomorrow i am determined to get a workout in and start feeling better
just start moving around more and maybe it will make you feel better usually helps me feel more energetic

best of luck

Carissa said...

i think you're right bee.. i have the whole house to clean so im working on that and trying to keep my body moving at the very least...

conner.ash said...

Carissa,

I hate that you are feeling so down on yourself. But as a previous reader said, you are being real and that's what it's all about. You will inspire me and any other readers by your reaction, and your determination to overcome these struggles and challenges. When we get out of our routine is when it's the toughest. Keep your chin up girl, you've come a long way and that in itself should motivate you even more. Kick this weights butt! I know you can!

Carissa said...

Thank you conner.ash.. seriously :)

Mia said...

Hi, I found your blog recently and am really impressed with your loss to date. As for falling off the wagon, I agree with what everyone else has said but also want to remind you that you aren't alone! We're all human and it's never as apparent when we have a goal we want to achieve that doesn't fall into our lap. Everyone will mess up from time to time, we will all eat the things we know are bad for us, but the most important part of falling off the wagon is getting back on again and 3 days worth of bad eating won't make you gain all your weight back, so keep your chin up, remember how far you've come and kick ass :)

Carissa said...

Mia - thank you so much! Everything you said is so true... and I'm repeating it to myself over & over again!

Coley said...

I think a huge part of this journey is being "normal" with our eating. Normal and healthy. A healthy, normal active person doesn't eat perfectly all the time either - the most impooortant part, is the fall - don't fall, don't let that happen. You have NOT fallen, a trip, a slip isn't the same. Your mind still knows what it wants, knows how to get it and you aren't even close to giving up.
So you don't even have to be positive all the time, you just have to keep at it - and I know you will and I know, you've GOT this - even when it feels like you don't.

Smile girl you're awesome.

Carissa said...

Coley - you are so great!! thank you.. i needed to hear that! :)

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